Today, I through my rose away. In all honesty, it has been sitting in my nightstand for over a year unused. I purchased it because I wanted to stay faithful to the man I was with at the time. My sex drive was way higher than his and he was not trying to tend to my needs, unless it was on his time. So, being the loyal person that I am..I bought something that was suppose to help me take care of me. No shade to the women who have purchased or swear by things that help provide them with self care, it is just not for me. I prefer a warm body vs something plastic that vibrates. Its the buzz, the buzz that constantly reminds you that you have no body that loves or cares for you enough to please you.
Again, this is just my personal opinion. However, since I have decided to prepare myself for the husband that God is going to bring me. Learning to control my sexual urges with no extra assistance is my promise to God. INot being able to control your urges is kinda like going to the grocery store when you are hungry. When you are out in the world, meeting people that you might be interested in. Being quick to take care of your sexual urges make open you up to relationships that you should never be in. Well, at least for me.
My ex husband and I were friends first, however a night in a hotel in the military accelerated the relationship to marriage and a child. Neither one of us was ready to get married, didn't even know how to manage a household correctly. So, it ended with him cheating with multiple women. Again, a situation where the sexual desire or need overpowered rational decision of actually being with who God has ordained you to be with.
After that, I was out living my best life. However, being raised in the church there was always a stigma about sexual freedom outside of a marriage. I realized early on that I am not a woman that enjoys sleeping around. I believe that you should be able to sleep with whoever you want to whenever you want to as long as you are responsible enough to be able to deal with the consequences. I AM NOT that girl, no matter how hard I tried to be. Can I do sex with no strings attached? Colder than most dudes out there. Do I want to? Not at all. I need to be mentally intune with a person in order to fully enjoy the act.
Over the years, I kept trying to just go through the motions to get my needs met. But, I continued leaving angry because they didn't take time to make sure I was taken care or and I had moments of depression because every encounter was empty. I tried to do the friends with benefits thing, there were a couple where it went well. The problem arose when that person goes on to marry someone else. Even though I had no desire to be with that person in that way, it triggered my insecurities of not being good enough and being unwanted. This situationship was suppose to be just that, but that phrase "I want you to want me, even though I don't want you" is a very true statement. I needed them to validate me. I needed them to let me know that I was worth being with, even though I didn't want a relationship with them. DUMB right?
The end of this last relationship has put somethings in perspective for me. The major thing I asked myself was, "Why do you keep getting with people who are liars, users and people who are detached from their emotions? You are not like that! That is not what you want in a husband..so why do you keep entertaining these relationships?" I was hurt, because people kept telling me I was attracting these men because there was something about me that was like them. I fought this narrative for years! I kept making lists and praying over these lists for my future husband, but I would never stay committed to my own healing or betterment. Everytime someone showed me a little bit of interest I was all in, they didn't have to work for anything. They were getting treated like Kings when they were still princes. It was so much easier to pour into someone else, because I didn't know how to effectively pour into me. I didn't think I was worthy enough to wait for someone who could do that for me.
I don't have a problem with being alone, but I didn't want to. I just couldn't understand how everyone was finding or meeting their mates that was madly in love with them, but I kept getting cheaters. I pleaded with God to understand what was wrong with me that made me so unlovable. His answer was simple..you are not ready. You are dating in a deficit, you give what you think people want and you will deplete yourself with no refill in sight. You need to know your worth, you need to become whole, you need to fully commit to your relationship with me. Basically, I need to learn to love myself in the most healthiest way possible. So, I will not accept any less from someone that is persuing me.
I want to be married. I am 45 and I am not interested in being somebodys long term girlfriend. I want more than matching pajamas. I want matching devotional books, prayer journals, outfits, affirmations, motivation, adoration and movement in purpose. So, today is the first day of building my relationship with God and myself. Since I want a relationship built on more that what is done in the bedroom. I want that to be a bonus. Which is why, I threw my rose away.
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