Dear God,
I am tired of parenting a senior. She waited till the last minute to get all her things ready for the end of the year. So, now she has about 45 days to the end of her senior year and she is stressing me the hell out! Plus, she is raping my pockets due to college applications, things needed to get her drivers lic, outfits for work...etc. Then she sits here complaining about how she doesn't like adulting. I am done! I think I would be more into it, if she had not fucked off her 9th grade year or if her grades were better. But, at this point she is just scraping by with a passable grade point average. Although, I can't tell her any of this because it would hurt her feelings. SO, I sit here with my head hurting and eating due to stress. Every fitness guru tells you that belly fat is due to stress and hormones. Well, I am a single mother parenting three girls who all have different emotional levels. Who don't clean up after themselves unless they are threatened with bodily harm and even then they don't clean right. Before you ask, yes...they all were taught the right way to clean. Hence the reason I look pregnant and my baby is 6.
But, unless I am sitting in their face telling them step by step what to do, my day will full of yelling at someone to do something that I have told them to do four or five times before. It is a vicious cycle of yelling, tears, instructions on how to do said task and then the same thing all over again. There have been many times when I just quit. I barricade myself in my room and vegg out on some show that I have watched many times before, Its all in a days work in being a single parent. I tell you, I wish someone would have told me that doing this by yourself was this hard. I still would have had children but I would have picked the dads better.
I wish I would have known how much it affects your children to not have a dad around. Honestly, I wish I would have know how much it would affect me (as a mom) not to have their dad around. Sometimes, I think I should have fought harder to make the relationships work. Then I think, that would have only caused another problem. How do you raise emotionally sound children when you are miserable all the time? That is what I would have been if I would have stayed in either one of those relationships. Nobody tells you how hard it is, to raise children when you working hard to heal yourself. Nobody tells you that each child will have a different personality and will teach you more about yourself then you could ever get from therapy.
I am still in therapy though. I have to have an outlet for all the conflicting feelings that I have about being a mother. Also, I wasn't prepared for everything that came with being a single mother. I realize now, that responsible for the well being of four people. I barely have a hold on my wellbeing. How am I suppose to make sure they are loved correctly, emotionally balanced and overall good people? Everyday is another day to learn from all the mistakes that I am making as a parent. Believe me it is a lot. Your children will always let you know how you are failing as a parent. Which is weird because they haven't been on this Earth that long and they can clearly point out what you are doing wrong. As a mom, this is the only point of view that matters because you love your children and want to do your best. However, you have to remember that they are JUST KIDS! They don't know shit!!! LOL
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