When I go through six-month periods where I don't have a consistent partner to have sex with, I joke about being in a period of forced celibacy. Well, now. It is not a joke. I am actively choosing it. I tried to be one of those girls that has casual sex and it is not for me. Not knocking anybody who does.
People should be able to live out their sexual desires if they are able to accept all the consequences that come along with it. For me though, I am a relationship type of girl. I like having sex with one person, all the time. I am boring. Which is probably why the people that I casually had sex with. Don’t return. Either that or I ghost them. I have to say though, in my experience, it has not been the random people that I have been with that have done me dirty. It has been the men that I have been in a relationship with or a long-term friendship with. This last one hurt.
I am an over thinker and even though I tried to be footloose and fancy free, I still write everything down and keep track of everything that I do. So, I know who I have been with. Just in case anything happens. Which is why I know for a fact who my children’s' fathers are and where they were conceived. I can also tell you every man I have ever slept with, where I met them and where it happened. Yes, so much for being wild and spontaneous.
Walks of shame and days of regret often come with the documentation of those times...but when you suffer from a bipolar disorder. Like I do. Risky behavior kinda comes with the territory. So, it is VERY important to document those manic episodes. However, I manage it well. Or so I thought. I mean, I make sure I get to know the important stuff before I engage in adult relations with these men. Learning to carry your own protection becomes very important when you have this disorder. To be truthful though, there have been more one-night stands than relationships. I would blame that on my attention span, but it is because I only needed something for that moment and I really had no desire to pursue anything else with that person.
Recently, I did something I told myself I would NEVER do. I became a side chick for a hot minute. Every serious relationship that I have had, the guy has cheated on me. So, I know how that feels. I told myself I would never do that to someone else, but I did. I hated the way it made me feel after and I had to ask myself what made me do that? It wasn't like I was really into the guy or that we were going to continue the relationship past that point, so what was the point? Just to satisfy a curiosity of what he was working with? What if she found out, it could possibly ruin a whole family! What the hell was I doing?
That was enough to bring me to my senses. I had started scraping the bottom of the morals and values barrel. I had lost myself and completely given up on ever finding someone who could love me for me. I was settling for immediate gratification from whomever was willing to give it to me. Then came the unfavorable test results, at 41. Not from the new guy, we were protected. It was from a friend. Who I thought was a safe bet.
So, we were unprotected. Probably, should have been protected either way. But you are supposed to be able to trust your friends, right? OKAY GOD, YOU WIN!
I was trying to make myself believe that having casual sex was fine for me, trying to live my life on my own terms. Even though I had been brought up that your body was a temple and you should treat it as such. I was never a believer in soul ties or that you give a piece of you to everyone you sleep with. mainly because of the way I was introduced to sex. Yet, I do have periods where I think, "What is the point? I mean the man is the only one getting satisfied here."
That thought process of, “Why keep doing this, if I am NOT getting satisfied?” consistently leads me to months of "no sex" the longest I have ever gone without sex was about 9 months and no, there is nothing in my nightstand with batteries to help. But then my body starts going through withdrawal and back online I go. Rinse and Repeat. I would always tell myself; I am only trying to find someone that I can be consistent with. That was my justification for the hookups and monthly dates. However, that plan would only work for about three months, he would do something stupid or not be available when I needed him, and I would put him on the bench and pull someone from the roster. But, I have had enough. I am emotionally exhausted with the cycle of pretending that I don’t want someone that loves me for who I am and not what I have to offer. I just don’t have the energy to spread eagle for another man that tells me how good it is and then never calls again. I am just going to be by myself and to myself. I will take Celibacy for $200 Alex.
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