Proverbs 23:7 states, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Which is where all the motivational speakers draw from when they tell you that your thoughts determine how far you go in life. So, I know you want to know where I am going with this. My thoughts and I have been at war, for as long as I can remember. My mental foundation is built with blocks of not being good enough. The cracks in the bricks are from people who say they have your best interest at heart, but as soon as you stop doing for them...they turn on you. Which leads to trust issues and the desire to hold the friends you have close and your circle small.
Instagram and Facebook pictures have me standing in the mirror, picking myself apart. Constantly, second guessing all my life decisions. I wish I could say this is an individual issue, but there are a lot of people that see themselves through social media filters, which feeds into all their insecurities. Recently, I went out with some of my friends and my mind could not process the beauty of the moment. I was constantly pointing out their attributes and how I did not have them. Before you say, "Wow, you are beautiful..how could you.." I don't see that beauty.
When I was younger, I had hair down to my waist, was a size 10 and a C cup. Even then, I hid myself with overly sized clothes and my hair up in a ponytail. I remember one day, I was getting an award for my academics and they made the girls wear dresses. It was one of the most uncomfortable days of my life. I felt like everybody was staring at me, which they weren't! I mean they could have cared less..other than the fact that they were not use to me wearing anything feminine..it did not alter their life...LOL But, it did for me. I was okay with being the funny girl or the homegryl. Not the pretty or popular girl. I took pride in the fact that the guys that were with me were not with me because of what I wore or how I looked; they were there because of who I was. Now, I am a solid 16-18 with a DDD cup! Yeah...more to love!
I always ask my girls, why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were created to stand out? Standing out is not something I have ever done intentionally, honestly I am more comfortable being in the background. When the people I believe care about me, don't notice that I have made myself invisible it makes me sad. See my dilemma? It is the same way when I go out. When I do put some effort into how I look, new outfit, makeup, new hairdo, and nobody recognizes it..I am depressed. Which probably makes no sense to you...let me try to explain.
I was taught, you are not suppose to brag on yourself or promote yourself in anyway. My family constantly points out when you pick up weight, not in a nice way. My mom and dad specifically made it a point to let me know when I picked up weight and how being big was not pretty. But, I would see women bigger than me who were beautiful and had no problem making people aware of this beauty. So, when I attempt to step out of the shadow of being the unattractive big girl, who is only good enough for behind closed doors, not to be seen in public with or stay in a relationship with..and nobody notices..I go back in my shell. I have gotten good at faking confidence, only to go home and cry while taking off the numerous girdles or waist trainers that still don't suck my stomach in enough to not show up in photos.
The good thing about knowing this, is that I continue to work on me. People always tell me, until you love you..no one else will. I don't know how true this is..but, I have been single for a long time..so maybe it is true. To say that I don't love myself would not be true. I love me..I just don't like the way I look sometimes. I am working on changing it, from the inside out. It fits into my psyche not being good enough. But, for right now, give me a little grace! I can support other people all day long, but motivating myself is hard. I am working on it, I believe that the God that loves me has someone special lined up for me who will be an Alpha male and push me in love to be better! I love me Fluffy or Fit! LOL
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