First let me give you the definition of Mom guilt.
Mom Guilt is the feeling of guilt, doubt, anxiousness or uncertainty experienced by mothers when they worry they're failing or falling short of expectations in some way. For many moms–particularly new, working or single moms–the variables that contribute to this phenomenon are numerous and intense.
Most people think that this is just something moms say because they are feeling bad about missing a game or a school event. The truth is, this is a serious issue in the mom community. I can only speak for single moms, because that is the community I fall in. So, I will speak for myself. Mom guilt has caused me to spend over $1500 on a birthday party for a one year old, it has caused me to go broke for Christmas and overdraw my account to go to the movies. There have been times when I am extremely exhausted, but I am at the grocery store buying dinner because my children wanted a specific type of food one night. It has lead to my 5yr old still sleeping in my bed and my 16yr going to hang with her friends even though she is barely passing her classes or doing her chores.
Now, you might have read all that and said, that is horrible parenting. It may be..but I was overcompensating for the fact that I picked men to be their fathers who are unable to fill that role. Whether it be financially, emotionally or locally they are unable to be the fathers they need to be and my children suffer because of it. My children suffer because I made the decision to lay down with men who I did not vet for the job of father. Now, don't get me wrong this is not a blog to bash my childrens' fathers. They do what they can.
I mentioned them to help you understand where my mom guilt comes from. I did not get married to get to divorced. It was never in my five year plan to raise children on my own. My plan was to have a husband, house, 2.5 children a dog and the picket fence.
My idea of family was based off the Cosby Show and Family Matters. However, that is not how my life played out. I stayed with a man for 8yrs just so that my children could have a two parent household. That was an extremely toxic situation and my children had to experience things that traumatized them for life. SO, again...due to a decision I made..my children suffered. Which plays into the guilt that I carry..so I live every day making sure that they want for nothing.Every need they have, is taken care of..even if it is at the expense of my well being sometimes. That is extremely unhealthy.
I have bought presents to cover for the daddy daughter dances that were missed, the dad daughter bonding that they do not get and the emotional/physical separation I had from them because of having to play two roles. Its like having a dual personality. I had/have to be nurturing and strong, soft and hard, mom and dad. I have to make sure their emotional, spiritual, individual and educational needs are met and developed. Which is extremely hard when you are teaching from lack and trying to heal yourself.
There is a book that I have called, "If Mom is not good, nobody is." This is a very true statement, because even though I looked like I was holding everything together. The disorganization was coming out in the way my home looked, the girls grades and emotional outbursts.
See, I was raised by a single mother. I have been an adult since I was about 9-10. Yes, I had a childhood. But, it was always based in responsibility and doing what is best for the "family." Sleepovers were only with family. I was also raised 7th Day Adventist, there were no football or basketball games on Friday nights or Saturday mornings. If it wasn't connected to the church, there was no extracurricular activity participation. I had friends who had parents like mine, so peer pressure has never been an issue.
Every stupid decision I have made in my life is because I wanted to do it. LOL I over analyzed it to death and then once I came up with a rational reason to do it, it was done. So, when you have three girls who are some of the most emotional and dramatic girls I have ever met, you feel like you have nothing to draw from. Then you respond incorrectly to situations that require a sense of childhood wonder and naivete. Also, you don't understand the extra curricular culture to encourage your children to join..because it was something you never experienced.
However, because I know these things about myself..thats' where the mom guilt comes in. How am I supposed to raise these girls? When every decision I make, could possibly screw them up as adults...its a heavy crown to wear. When you have two active parents, its gets a little easier because you have someone to share in the guilt. LOL But, as a single parent..it is all on you.
My children were my WHOLE world for years. If they didn't want me to go out..I didn't. I spent every waking hour, that I wasn't at work, with them. If I got invited somewhere and it wasn't kid friendly..I wasn't going. I had to be available when they needed me. I had to be present at all times because the other parent wasn't. I had to be the dependable parent, the available parent, the emotionally accessible parent AND the funder off all things! So, when I was unable to achieve one of those things...I was a failure.
Children are mean! LOL They don't recount all the wonderful things you did as a mother..they remember the times you were late, or missed the play, didn't pack them a lunch or promised them something and they didn't get it. They NEVER let you forget it. That also feeds into the mom guilt. Mom guilt will have you depressed and confused. Here is an example of mom guilt logic; you have to work...because you work, you are tired, because you are tired you don't have time to read to your children before they go to bed, because you can't read to them before they go to bed..they have a problem reading in school..because they have a problem reading in school..they get bad grades..they are getting bad grades because you didn't have the time to read to them at night because you had to work. Their trouble in school is your fault and you are failing as a mom. ANYBODY see the problem here?
I am consciously working to rid myself of this guilt, as a mom you do the best you can. As long as your children are alive and well, you are doing GREAT! LOL
HEY MOMS! You are beautiful, strong and kicking ass in this mom thing. Always, remember your children have DNA from two parents, so everything that they do is not ALWAYS a reflection of you...they have another contributing force working in and through them. Understand that just because you didn't have it growing up, doesn't mean you cannot learn how to give it to your children. Generational curses are broken by people who work at being better than their parents. Always remember guilt and shame are self inflicted wounds...so always SPEAK life into yourself. Every new day you see, is a new day to be better, learn more and love harder.
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