This is my mom. She started having strokes at 25, which caused her to be medically retired from the post office. She had odd jobs throughout our lives, but never anything permanent. I only remember her dating two men, once I got older I asked her about those men. She offhandedly replied one went back to his wife (which is the reason why I don't deal with men who are separated) and the other one ended up trying to get with one of her friends (well at least that is what she thought).
I always assumed that she had given up on love due to being in those relationships, plus it didn't quite complete the fairytale when she got with the men she had children with. She called me yesterday and asked if I had someone. I told her no..she said GOOD! She went on to say that I needed to get to know myself before I got with someone else. I then asked her why she had been single for 30+ years. Once she realized that she had been single for over 30 years. She gave a lot of reasons why, but three reasons hit home; 1. She thought she was ugly 2. She thought nobody wanted her AND 3. She didn't pick the men that she was with...they picked her. None of these statements are true...I mean look at her! But it was her reality and what she passed down to her children.
Its interesting to learn what another persons, especially a womans, reality is about themselves.
I got divorced and stayed single for almost 8 years. Currently, I have been single for almost three. Not for lack of trying, but there is always some reason why I don't move the relationship forward to the commitment phase.
People always say, you are beautiful and have a great personality...I don't understand why you are single. My response is always beauty does not determine your success in a relationship or love. But, I don't see the beauty. When I was younger, I was told that the Bible said you are not suppose to boast about yourself. Due to that, I have always humbled myself around other people. I hid my talents, because I never thought I was good enough.
While I was married, my ex husband and a friend of mine entered me into a talent show. I sang and actually made it to the finals. I panicked..this was confirmation that I was actually good at something. It was uncomfortable and I was unable to handle the attention. So, I did not do well and the other girl won.
The way I feel about my body has always been an issue. I have always dressed down, in big clothes and little to no makeup. I never liked the attention that my curves and big breasts brought. I always covered up, I felt like if you could not see it, you could not judge it. Also, if you loved me without all the additions to make me look better or accentuate the positives..then you actually liked me. I know..I know.. it sounds stupid, but I really felt that way.
1. SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS UGLY
For years, I thought this. There are days when I still think this. I can stand in the mirror and totally pick myself apart. For years, I took pictures to try and see the beauty that others saw. Compliments make me uncomfortable. I have struggled with my weight since my first child, there was a time I was able to get down to a manageable size..however it has not been where I have wanted. I have tried everything from Weight Watchers to weekly shots of B vitamins and detox. It wasn't until recently that I realized men have their own preferences and there are men out there who love a FUPA and cellulite thighs.
2. SHE THOUGHT NOBODY WANTED HER
This has caused me to be in relationships with men, I would not have normally picked. After being alone for so long, you enjoy having someone look at you lovingly or genuinely want to be around you. But, the fact that even when you dress up..nobody approaches you or tries to get with you..can give you a complex..even make you slightly depressed. The feeling of never being good enough comes from many different things. In my case, it comes from parents who had their own self esteem issues. My mom specifically always talked about her weight and how she did not look good in her clothes. She would tell me, that I was getting fat. At the time, I was a size 9/10 with NO FUPA OR CELLULITE! Once I got in a relationship, while in college, I picked up weight. When I came home, I was a size 14 and my mom had a field day. She commented on what I ate, wore and the fact that I was not really active. My dad was similar in his kind comments on how much weight I had gained. So, the yo yo weight cycle began. I use to tell myself no one would want me if I was fat. I am so glad, I grew up and had my mind opened up to men with all kinds of likes and dislikes.
3. SHE DID NOT PICKED THE MEN THAT SHE WAS WITH..THEY PICKED HER
This was the one that hit the hardest because this is something I ALWAYS say. I am not the type of person to tell a man that I am interested in him, until there is absolutely no way we could be together. The men that I have been in relationships with, chose me. The were the one that showed the initial interest. In my last relationship, it wasn't until about two years in that I actually became invested in the relationship. I consistently questioned why he was with me and I constantly thought there was someone out there better than me that he would leave me for. Eventually, he did end up leaving me...like all my exes..however, the women they left me for where not any prettier than me and their bodies were not better than mine. So, that created a whole different complex for me.
This one was really hard to write. But, I have happy that I am able to understand why I have these thoughts. Also, now that I know where they came from..I can work toward changing the narrative. This will help me teach my daughters to love every inch of themselves.
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