Unfortunately, I have had the pleasure of being involved with many men and people that have some type of addiction. I learned first hand that no matter how much you love someone, they have to make the decision to get clean and stay sober. I know that last part sounds like an after school special quote, but it is true. No matter how much I wanted to be the girl that stays through the good and the bad. I mean, that is how you prepare for a life of better or worse, right? Wrong. If you do not have the licensing or training to treat someone dealing with substance abuse or addiction..keep it moving. I wish someone would have given me that advice. Would have saved me 8 years of learning the hard way.
There were many early morning trips to do jail or side of the road pickups. Lots of calls from police officers after midnight, cleaning up multiple beer cans, empty bottle retrieval and public embarrassment. Have you ever had to undress a grown ass man (not for sex) and put him in the shower? (Again, not for sex) Living a life of always taking care of someone who cannot take care of themselves, would give you the idea that it is something you were born to do. But, often you forget how mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting it is.
When dealing with addicts, you try so hard to remember when they are lying, stealing or being overtly mean/evil that it is the addiction in action. It took me a while to realize that. Many years in fact. You have to be really careful not to stay with a person because you are in love with who they are only while sober. In hindsight, I was similar to an abused woman who internalized his behavior, accepted and dismissed the bad behavior when he apologized, made excuses for the bad behavior in public and enjoyed the trinkets and the makeup sex.
I knew I was done. when I stopped seeing him as someone I could spend the rest of my life with and started seeing him as someone I felt sorry for. Instead of staying up at night worrying where he was, I started going to sleep and putting my phone on silent. I stopped waking up in the middle of the night, to get him out of the car in the driveway or off the couch and just let him sleep it off wherever he was. The immediate concern I had for his safety, dissipated and grew into irritation and disdain. Don't get me wrong, I still cared about whether he lived or died. I just made the decision to no longer have it be my responsibility to keep cleaning him up.
I guess it is a good thing that none of the men that I have dated or been in serious relationships with, cheated on me when they were sober. Just another reason why I don't drink. Many bad decisions can be traced back to one too many drinks.
For years, I tried to do some self work to find out why 90% of the men that were attracted to me or that I have ended up in a relationship with have had some kind of substance addiction. My friends had me read the law of attraction, so for a while I figured it was something in me that was attracting this type of dude. Through A LOT of continued therapy, the conclusion was..I have a nurturing spirit. It tends to attract men who need to be nurtured or receive constant support.
Can you guess what my next question to the therapist was? You guessed it! Well, Doc, how the hell do I change that!!?? After a couple sessions, I realized that I am not going to change who I am..just because I have given my time to people who I allowed to abuse that gift. I truly believe that God created a man who will appreciate, desire and adore my gift. Clearly, he does not think I am ready for him yet. Or maybe he is short :)
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