Once you realize you are living in fear. You need to make changes. When I quit my job, it was an eerie calm that came over me. Mind you all my accounts were negative. Due to the fact, that I have an earned income credit on my taxes...they are going to be delayed. Plus, all the advance money from filing my taxes early had covered my trip and things the girls needed for the month of January. I said all that to say, I was broke AND unemployed. But I still went and supported my friends at their open mic and Improv events. I went to plays that they were in and even showed my face at a couple of events where they were getting awards. I moved like I had everything I needed, when everything in my life was completely empty and tapped out.
The weird thing about this transition was at no point was I scared. For the majority of my life, I have moved in fear. Fear of not being able to afford a trip. Fear of not going out of the country by myself. Fear of being by myself. Fear of not being a good mother. Fear of losing...fear of winning. Let that marinate for a while. How can you be afraid of losing and winning? Hello, have you met me? LOL, I have all these wonderful skills and gifts, but I don’t do anything with them. Occasionally, I share them with people...just so Jesus doesn’t take them from me. I wouldn’t know to do...if I could no longer see my gifts in the jar I have them in on the shelf. But I have no one in my life who supports my dreams, hopes, aspirations or gifts. People clap when they see them, but when they are on the shelf...no one misses them. No one asks for them, no one pushes me to feed or nurture them. So, they sit gathering dust, memorialized in a very pretty jar with one or two accolades.
Fear of people not liking me, if they knew the real me. Just living in fear all the way around. But, mostly loving in fear. Let me explain. My favorite scripture is 1 Corinthians 13. In this scripture it tells you what love is. Nowhere in there does it tell you that love is fearful, jealous, malicious or a narcissist. So, the people I loved were the latter. Why did I love them so fiercely then? Because I was afraid, no one else would love me. I believed that those people. not just men, were the only ones who would/could love me.
I had been conditioned to believe I was unworthy of love, unless I was being used by someone else. My worthiness was only defined by what I could do or give to others. Who I was, was not important? What I liked, enjoyed, thought or wanted. Was not important. In essence I was not important. So, why not give my love, my body, my time and my all to people who were going to use and abuse it. Only to offer empty words of love and one-sided affection in return. I was afraid to speak myself into existence.
But, watch out now...the internet has unleashed a beast. It has given me a platform to express my ideas, thoughts, feelings and words of encouragement. If you use it as a tool of learning and not just a mind-numbing way to regurgitate someone else’s ideas and beliefs, you can awaken a new you. I started to see people doing things that I had thought about in my head but pushed away because I told myself it was a stupid idea. For example, I have always wanted to have something like 'Red Table Talks.' Jada doesn't go as far as I would. I wanna go deep into the mind of people to help understand what makes them different from other people. Have you ever wondered how two people can come up in the same environment, but one goes on to be a superstar or millionaire? The other is either dead or still on the streets, not able to ever catch a break?
I have! So, daily...I people watch. I ask questions about people’s lives, how they started relationships and why they made certain life choices. I enjoy learning and as long as I have breath in me, I will learn as much as I can and not live a life of fear.
People interest me. Creativity excites me. Love fuels me. Conversation grounds me.
Fear no longer controls me.
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