I stopped breathing, The doctors mouths are moving, but I can’t hear them speaking. My eyes are full of water and my eyelashes are being washed clean, This is the most hurtful thing I have ever seen. I feel hopeless. I had you on the phone, but I wanted you to talk less, You words came slowly, groggily and were hard to comprehend. It was like you weren’t even talking to me. Wait, did they just say something about COVID-19? So, she does have it and right now its wrecking havoc on her already weak body.
Attacking her lungs and kidneys. Did he just suggest dialysis? Bit, that work work, hell she is 93, God help me! We are quarantined so, I won’t be able to give her one last kiss. My prayer warrior. My rock in a weary land. My strong hand when need be. How can you pray for me. When you can’t even recognize me. I hate it here. So, I just held the phone to my ear and tried to envision the woman before the sickness. The one that passed down all this thickness, that I have. The one who had a Bible verse to correct me with the quickness. A strong woman of God who called me calmed me with one hug.
Selfishly, I ask to give her back to me. Slowly, I see her leaning more into you. I want her with you too, if it will make her happy. I am not happy, I can barely breathe and my cheeks are wet from tears. There is ringing in my ears. Did my heart just stop, no your heart stopped, did you ever change that DNR. My heart did not stop, neither did yours mine is just shattered in my chest and the broken pieces are traveling pretty far. They are now lodged in my throat making it hard to speak. I can’t take no more,
I have to find peace, in the piece of tie, you have blessed me with. I miss her and I am not ready for her to leave. It is hard to breathe and her quality of life makes me uneasy, Words of encouragement falls on deaf ears. I just wish she was here like Thanksgiving. When she visited where I was living. She helped me cook, by teaching my girls how to cut up veggies. That made me remember when I was them and she taught me how to make her dressing. A true blessing in human form. I can understand why you would want her home. I am not ready. I thought I was prepared for the call, the info that started it all. I cannot stop crying. I would be lying if I said I was okay. I am just going to isolate for the day.
If you talk to her, tell her I just stepped outside and my hair has drawn up like a window shade. I am going to wretch around and warsh that rag and wash my face.I no longer have to put a dollar down and a dollar when they catch me and if anybody asks I how I am, I am doing the best I can, trying to do better. God is blessing and I am accepting.
I love you and I thank you for always covering me in prayer. Even though this is a hard goodbye. I know you are better there than you are here. I will miss our long talks, laughs and when I sat in your lap..you pulled me near. Near or far, you will always be my heart. My angel in the flesh. Its only right that he would call you out of this mess. As far as grannies go, you are the best.
Commentaires