A couple days ago, my mind went racing. I was able to call a good friend and she was able to talk to off the ledge. One of the things that she left me with was that I had to be intentional in my relationship. In the last six months I have had the pleasure of learning and loving someone. However, having never experienced a love like this it has caused some insecurities to arise in me. There is no way to truly explain why him just being him caused such a feeling of "less than" in me. Although my mind knows rationally that he would not be with me, if I was "less than." Rationally, it knows that his love comes from a pure place. My emotional mind went flying off a cliff!!
I have put on almost 60lbs in the last 2yrs and now feel like a failure. This was after losing almost 100lbs in 2018. All my life, I have been yo-yoing with my weight. I have always had a pretty face, but never felt like my body was desired. People think because men have sex with you, it should make you feel like your body is beautiful. It doesn't (for me at least). My body has never been admired out loud. I have to say, it is the most uncomfortable thing...EVER!! Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it. But, when you have never had it, it makes you happy and sad at the same time.
I saw a TikTok today that said, be careful when asking for a "Good Man" you actually might get it and they do weird shit! Like love you openly. They say they are going to do something and actually do it. They say what they mean and mean what they say. In every other relationship, I had to ask a man multiple times to do something, go somewhere or fix something but this man...a good man...will only need to be asked once.
THIS MAN...IS A GOOD MAN..and there are times when I feel that I am not good enough to be with him.
He cooks almost every day, and my children act like I never gave them a homemade meal. Again...feelings of failure. Not because I have failed as a mom. I know I fed my children well and I have taken very good care of them. Even though that is the logical explanation. My emotional mind still dwells on the day my ex told me that I was a failure as a mother. That stuck. It was easy for that to become a permanent memory because I have never received any affirmations of motherhood from my mother. So, trying to build a foundation to stand on to proclaim achievement, is still a work in progress.
It has been left up to my mind to consistently reassure myself that I am a great mom. While reassuring myself of that, I have to continuously tell myself that although I have failed many times to achieve many goals, I am still worthy. Even though, I have gained a lot of weight...I am still beautiful. I have failed some classes...but I am still smart. This is extremely hard, when for years my thoughts have been filled with unworthiness, hyper independence and body dysmorphia.
I am learning to be intentional with loving me.
Being grateful for all the scars I have due to trauma, because they have shaped me.
Giving myself grace when the heaviness seeks to consume me.
My insecurities in myself, my actions and my decisions. Pushes me to be intentional with loving and learning myself, making my actions purposeful and having my decisions be clear and concise. Learning to calm my mind and not overthink everything is exhausting but needed. Rewiring my mind to be my biggest supporter, instead of my biggest enemy is an everyday...all day job. I have to use the tools at my disposal to achieve this, so I can teach my girls. Trauma and financial insecurity are not the only generational curses that need to be broken.
Even though my feelings at the time I wrote this blog were valid. I found out that, the man was untrue and ultimately not a good man. I will be writing a piece on that soon.
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