I did not want to write this entry. Honestly, I knew one day I would have to come to grips with losing the one person who kept me grounded. Anybody who knows me, knows I always thought when the time came, I would have to be admitted to someones padded room. Well, COVID-19 really took the sting out of that one. By that I mean, the whole world is in quarantine and people were losing people daily. Every time, I got on Facebook there was an RIP for someone. So, I was slowly getting prepared for that phone call that someone I knew would be on that timeline list. I did not expect it would be three before we made it out of April.
Recently, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine. I told him, I was unable to write. The grief I was experiencing was causing me to lose interest in everything. The only thing I wanted to do was stay in my room, in the dark and binge on all my favorite shows while sitting in my new saucer chair. Making bad choices with men, was another way I was desperately trying to get rid of the numbness. His reply was simple, he said "write about that." This blog post may be a little hard to follow, because I am trying to write this..while I am still processing. It actually might have to be broken down in parts. So, enjoy....
Marie (no middle name) Johnson left this Earth on April 13, 2020. The way I found out she passed was truly dysfunctional.The conversation started with her going to the hospital unresponsive, she got the virus, prayers were prayed and then the whatsapp voiceclip that said she was gone. Add that to still having to work and not being able to travel, curbed the need for the padded room.But, it did not stop me from hiding in a dark room or in my car on the side of the road and completely falling apart. Or being in my office with the door closed, crying uncontrollably and not doing any work. She has been gone for 34 days and it still seems unreal. My cousins have developed a chat group when we can come when the pain gets too overwhelming. Since everybody grieves differently it has been interesting to see how our personalities play into the grieving process.
Society believes there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Some of us are stuck in the anger phase, we have tried to move past it. Our emotions are raw though, due to unresolved issues within the family it has caused us to be stuck there. I had to stop talking to my brother for awhile because his anger about the situation caused him to be hurtful. I chose to isolate when I felt like that, because I knew I had the propensity to be like that. I shared with a couple of people that I spoke to during that time..that it was the main reason why I chose to isolate. I could feel myself turning evil, I could feel myself losing grips on everything that was positive in the world.
My grandmother was my rock, the glue that held the family and us together,she was my prayer warrior, my peace, my confidant, my listening ear, my EVERYTHING. There was never a time, I went home and did not see her. I talked to her at least three or four times out the month. The last couple of years though the conversations got shorter and the time that passed between conversations got longer. Everything I have done in my life, was to make her proud. The things I have not done in my life, was to never embarrass her. I know scriptures and God because of her. I have a resilient spirit because I saw a woman with 6 children, no husband, no job, no car and nothing that society said you needed to be happy...BE HAPPY! She was so content with her life, it made me content with mine.
Okay, I am going to have to stop here. it is starting to get hard to see the keyboard.
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