Lately, I have been feeling really defeated. This grief is one that I have never felt before. The pain gets to be too much sometimes and I feel like, many can sympathize..but nobody understands. Its hard to say that aloud because people get in their feelings. I know that people are doing the best they can to be there for me, part of their inability to give me what I need..comes from me not effectively communicating what I need. There are times though, I have no idea what I need. A hug always helps though.
Sometimes, I want to yell.."How come I am everybodys friend, but they are not mine?" That question is only true for some. The majority of my friends are awesome and they put other peoples feelings above their own consistently. Society is just jacked up right now and everybody is being traumatized. It is really hard to keep your friend from bleeding out, when you have to keep your hand on your own wound. They have support though, even if sometimes it is dysfunctional or annoying. They have family, friends or a significant other. Its just me and God and sometimes I feel like he has me on DND.
It is my own feelings of inadequacy that causes me to question the loyalty and intentions of some people. That is what I choose to focus on, because it is easier than focusing on this pain. This pain that is like the pressure of an elephant on my chest. The tears keep coming and I can't visualize whats next. She was a HUGE part of my life, now what do I do with this hole. This grand canyon size hole in my chest. I feel defeated. I feel like I am in the fight of my life. The fight for my emotional stability and mental state.
That is only one reason, I feel defeated.
Another reason is because I have prayed for God to manage my finances and he has. I, however, cannot shake the worry of not having enough. So, I have been applying for jobs. I know I am not mentally ready to work. I also know that if the children don't physically go back to school I am going to be a full time home school teacher. Teaching children on three different grade levels is not going to leave a lot of time for work. I know this, but why am I still applying for jobs and being upset when they don't choose me for the interview? Its a self worth issue. You would think that I would have this ish figured out by now. I have three whole girls, if I don't have my "worth" issues figured out by now, how am I going to teach them? How do you even determine your worth, when you have been always been treated like you were worthless? Not good enough? Used and then discarded?
Defeated..
The third reason will be short and sweet..My love life. :(
There isn't one. I wish there was. I wish the men that love the damaged woman no matter what, were real. If they are real, I wish they would find me. When they find me, I wish I would be attracted to them (not just physically). I have lost all interest in love and sex. Met two men this weekend, they were very attractive. My kitty did not tingle at all. (That is a Courtney Lynn poem reference) I am unimpressed (Lady 380 poem reference) I never wanted to be forever single and being a single mother was not a chapter of my life that I put on paper. It is my story now though and maybe that closes the book on the love life story. My granny passed single and my dad passed in an unhappy marriage..so go figure.
Defeated
Lastly,
I wanted to get my girls a house. The house we have been living in since 2012 is not our home and the landlord has stopped fixing things correctly. Plus, the kitchen is small and the carpet is horrible and he won't change it. Don't worry I have asked. I am finally making enough money to buy a house and I keep getting rejected. There is a judgement on my credit report that only shows up on reports run by property management and mortgage companies. It is from 2013, in the house that I am currently living in. Are you saying the same thing I am? Cause my exact words were WTF and How Sway?
IF the judgement was valid, I should have paid it twice over now..don't you think? Plus, I have been pulling my credit report every year, it has NEVER showed up on my reports..still doesn't. My report states, I have no public records and no judgement. So, how was I suppose to know that was going to be an issue? This was after, I told my girls we were moving. Even took them to look for houses so they could visualize their rooms. Now, I am fighting with my property management company to provide me with the necessary documents to get this removed. Also, I have to explain to my girls that we will not be moving. My five year olds face, when you tell her plans have changed is truly heartbreaking.
This makes me feel like a failure as a mother and as a woman. I have been working since I was 15, I should be able to get my girls a house right? I don't go on expensive trips or buy expensive clothes. My car is still wrecked from an accident last year. My furniture is on its last leg and I really need someone to come and move it out. I need a win. I need to get out of this funk. I need a dude that likes me and I like him to dick me down so hard my eyes roll and my toes curl. I need a win..
Right now though...I feel defeated.
Sorry, if you were expecting some happy motivational ending to this entry..that is not real life.
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