Today was not a good day for me mentally. I have been working out and drinking water consistently for three weeks. My diet is not great, but I stepped on the scale anyway. I gained 5lbs. How sway? I mean a pound...maybe 2..but 5?? I am in this group on facebook that is helping me with my weight loss and this is what I posted:
Today is suppose to be my rest day. But, I am about to go workout for an hour. I got on the scale this morning and I have gained 5lbs. I have been working out consistently for 30min a day. Sometimes, even twice a day. I am up to three bottles of water. My diet is not great, but it is not bad enough to gain 5lbs in a week. I should not have gained anything. And...I cried.
Yesterday, I looked up Lizzos' height and weight measurements and found out they were similar to mine. Only difference is that her waist is smaller. That should have been a win! I now had someone to look to for comparison. To model body positivity after and to know how I'd look in clothes (when I am trying to be sexy). Then I read all the hateful comments and realized that is what I say about myself in the mirror EVERYDAY! And..I cried.
Losing weight, I believe, is more mental than physical. Forgiving myself for picking up this weight again is hard. Mentally, I have to tell myself it took me three years to gain it, it might take me three years to lose it. That is okay, though. AS long as, my lifestyle is healthy the weight will come off.
I don't know why I looked up Lizzos' measurements. BUT, I found out she was my height, close in weight and her measurements matched mine..except for the waist. Hers is a 36!! How Sway? Anyways, the first response I got back gave me some great information on weight loss and self esteem affirmations. That got me to thinking...maybe sometimes...you just need to Clean Your Mirror.
My mirror is dirty with self doubt, unforgiveness of self, excuses, quitting, low self esteem, negative words from my family and men who said they loved me. My mirror is dirty with failed diets, inconsistent workout plans, bad diets and emotional eating. My mirror is dirty with grief, mental and physical pain, and most of all failure.
But, I cleaned my mirror today and took a look at all the beauty in my flaws. My mirror reflected my efforts and willingness to try. It revealed that my health is good and that I am loved. My mirror showed me who I am and who I am is alright with me. Could I be or do better? Yes. But, if I don't it is not the end of the world. Building a positive foundation in a negative soil is hard, but worth it.
Being a single mom is hard. You doubt every single choice you make, because you want to always do what is best for your children. Most times, that means what is best for me gets put on the back burner. I have become comfortable in letting my own personal mirror get filthy to make sure that their mirrors are clean. In the end, I realized that if my mirror is dirty...so is theirs. They see and experience life through me and if I am not healthy mentally...neither are they.
So..make sure you clean your mirror.
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