I recently had dinner with someone who believes the world is centered around women. He believes that relationships are never about what the man wants or needs. It is more important for a man to make sure a woman is protected and provided for. If a man is unable to do those things, he is considered less of a man. A woman is never considered less of a woman if she is unable to take care of her man, it is always his fault for making her that way. Men aren't asked what they want and need in a relationship. One way of expressing that their wants and needs are not being met is to cheat. Cheating is not always sexual, sometimes it is just a desire for a man to have something different than what he has at home or its just something he wants to do.
Most people say, men cheat because they weren't sexually satisfied at home. Or he was not attracted to the woman he is with anymore. I have had many conversations with men on this topic and most say, although that is a factor in most cases...it is only one reason why men cheat. There are other reason like; they felt they weren't being heard, they wanted variety, the other woman gave him what was missing in his relationship, lack of maturity, their woman became no longer interested in having sex or just because they wanted to.
I have had four serious relationships in my life and all of them ended because they cheated or wanted to be with someone else. Initially, I thought it was something I did. Then years later, I spoke with these men and their answers were pretty similar. They stated that they were immature. The decision to cheat came from them not being ready for a serious relationship or even knowing what it took to be in a successful one. That is where the clarity comes in. Neither did I.
My ideas about love and relationships came from movies and romance novels. Fantasy. I had seen couples in my church who had been married for years, but never really got into what it took to maintain that relationship. Reality hit me hard and for years, I racked my brain on what was wrong with me, why didn't anybody want to be in a relationship with me, would I be single forever. The answer to the last one, is maybe. During this journey of self discovery, I have found out a lot about myself.
A major thing would be, I like my space and being in control. In my childhood, I had no control. I was always living my life for other people. I walked on eggshells in my home to make sure I did not stress my mom out because she was sick. I took care of my brother because I was all he had. I got good grades, because my mom could not pay for college. So, I had to get a scholarship to go to college, because that is what I had to do. I was responsible, careful to not embarrass my family and extremely Christian. I don't drink because everybody on my dad side were alcoholics. I don't do drugs because I always need to be in total control of my actions. I don't smoke because I do not believe women smoking is sexy. These are all ways that people have fun and because I don't do these things, I have been told that I am not fun to be around. Which is fine, because I think that if you need some type of substance in order for you to have a good time..that is sad.
Don't get me wrong. That is how I feel about me doing it (blame the strict Christian background) I don't judge anybody who does. We all grown here and can be responsible for our actions. I just choose not to. However, that plays into my singleness. Not only do I not engage in these things, I do not have them in my house. Now, you are asking yourself...does that mean you cannot drink or smoke in my house. Kinda! LOL On special occasions, if I am having company, I will buy alcohol for the adults...but all unfinished bottles go home with the company. If you would like to smoke, it will always be outside. I do not like the way smoke stays in your clothing and fabric. One of the reasons, I stopped going to bowling alleys. I always had to come home, wash my hair and clothes to get that smell out. Which is why I was ecstatic when they made establishments smoke free!!
Understanding that, I get how that would be hard for a man (who is suppose to be head of the household) to live in a place like that. My compromise would be, we need to get a house big enough for you to have a man cave. That way, you wont feel restricted to what you can have in your own house. I would set it up real nice too! Knowing this, I can understand why some of the men that I have wanted to date or been with have walked away with someone else. It is very rare to find a woman who doesn't smoke or drink. Also, doesn't like to shop, is opinionated and is not quick to bring men around her children. I get I am somewhat of an odd duck and that is not enticing. So, I am becoming more comfortable in my singleness. Spending time with men, who want to spend time with me and when it ends...it ends.
Sometimes, I do question if I want to be in a serious relationship or even get married again. They will probably remain questions though, until I meet someone that makes me want to answer them.
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