I saw this quote on a page I was reading about a woman who manifested her husband through a tattoo and a DM. She made the following statement.
"I wouldn't date men who shared the same core values as I did, and they definitely didn't understand the concept of being equally yoked. However, like so many women out there, a huge issue in my dating nightmares was directly correlated with not understanding my own personal flaws."
Its funny how somebody elses' thoughts can clearly document your life. There are men that I SHOULD have dated. But, I seem to always find something wrong with them. They are too short, not attractive to me, increasingly annoying or dead set on controlling everything that I did. Now, when you are attracted to a person those little quirks are attractive..even sexy at times. However, when you are not attracted to the person everything tends to irritate you. In those cases, I could never see that person in the picture I had of my future. Yet, what do I know about my future?? I mean if you look at the men that I have chosen to spend my time with, the verdict would be, I need my head checked. Some of them, wouldn't even pass the initial test of holding an intelligent conversation. So, why was I with them?? What was it about me that allowed me to be okay with spending time with men who contributed nothing to the betterment of my life?
She goes on to say, how in most of her relationships she was trying to fix the man or provide him with what HE needed. This is a continuous behavior in my life. I tend to give EVERYONE what they need, without getting anything the I need. Learning, that it is okay to make sure self is taken care of first is necessary for a healthy life has been a wonderful process. She also realized that in order to meet the man that was meant for her, it was important to take time to fix herself and her insecurities. This point hit hard. That phrase, you cannot love someone else unless you love yourself is very important to implement into your daily affirmations. When you love yourself fully, you will work toward what you deserve and not what someone THINKS you deserve.
After my dad passed, I took a long look at my life and started working on self. Working on self is not an easy process, it makes you to try an understand why you have made the decisions that caused you to reevaluate your purpose. To constantly question every decision. Even though I still don't understand what my true purpose is on this Earth, I think I am starting to understand how my missteps have contributed the stalling of my forward movement. Self evaluation, forces you to realize because your foundation in self love, self respect and self motivation is weak..that is why you ALLOW people to treat you a certain way. It is the reason you don't go after your dreams or believe that you should have dreams. You have no vision because you were told that you will only ever make it so far. So, your fear of the unknown made you not want or better yet need better.
Let me explain, my mind continuously tortures me about past decisions. One major one, is me staying in Houston and not moving home to Detroit. I was not able to go home and reconnect with Randy "Bear" Hunter before he passed. In a conversation with my oldest, recently, I put the regret of that decision into perspective. If I had moved home, I would have worked to be in a relationship with him. Even to the extent of putting all my hopes an dreams to the side. He didn't want me to work, he always told me he would keep me barefoot and pregnant. To a young girl, who spent the majority of her life tethered to her house, mom and religion..that sounded like a prison sentence. That was not the life I wanted to live. So, when he proposed with a ring I had bought from the beauty supply store, why did I say yes?
I loved him and I knew he loved me, but I made the decision to leave him and go see what the world had to offer. I went 45 min away to college and he stayed in Detroit, due to legal reasons. If it was meant to be...we would be right? Wrong..
He was killed while riding his motorcycle home from work in August of 2008. If I had moved home, we would have gotten back together and I would have worked the front desk at his mechanic shop. That day, like any other day, we would have been riding home from work together and neither one of us would be here today.
But, I did not move home and we did not get back together and his passing in 2008 was the biggest heartbreak of my life. It put love into perspective for me. Love is about sacrifice and neither one of us was willing to sacrifice our individual ideas of what a relationship should look like, in order to be together. So, we loved each other..but we were not IN love with each other. Our love had not matured into an unconditional love and that is the love that is needed to sustain a healthy adult relationship.
What I remember most about him, was the way he loved me. He had no problem professing or showing his love for me. I used that love as a point of reference in all my relationships. Sadly, that is a HUGE problem because that was young immature love, not really the best measure for love as an adult. If you were to ask my exes who the ghost in our relationship was, the answer from each one of them would be the same. The sad part is, I have had his pictures up in every home I have lived in since I left high school. The men in my life, never even noticed. Shows you how much they paid attention.
I didn't tell that story to say, the men that I have been with did not love me. They did in their own way. My college sweetheart, exposed me to actual restaurants and musical concerts. But, he ended up starting the pattern in my relationships where the men say they love me, but they still leave. He did not leave because we had issues in our relationship or that I was no longer who he wanted to be with. He left because the relationship maturity needed to be with someone like me, was one he did not have. I am emotionally mature and responsible, most men interested in me..are not. I do not doubt that my exes loved me, they just loved themselves more.
That sounds like I am bashing them, but I am not. I have had to make adult decisions since I was about 9yrs old. I had a childhood, but it wasn't like most. When I get into relationships with men who did not grow up the way I did..there is an immediate disconnect. I saw a meme one time that said, "Its hard to be in a relationship with someone, when you were taught to live and all they know how to do is survive," Or something to that effect. Which in my case, basically boils down to..I don't know how to take risks and I have a hard time visualizing the future. I am more of a realist, if my bank account is negative, how can I become a millionaire. It is just not possible. Reading the Secret and the Law of Attraction has helped me work on changing that mindset. To believe in possibilities and seeing past what is in front of me.
The great thing about being human, is you have the ability to change. This last year, I have been making conscious decisions to step out of my comfort zone. It has helped me to be more present in the moment. Being free to make mistakes and not only spend money on bills. To sometimes be a little irresponsible.
I use to care about what everyone thought about me and how I was perceived. I realized that everyone is seeing life through their own mental filters. Which is why when you say or do something to someone, it can be received incorrectly..even if that was not your intent. A great piece of advice I got last year was, you cannot control what other people say or do to you. You can only control how you respond. Check your responses and evaluate why their behavior affected you in that way. Trust me, learning to control your responses helps heal MANY wounds and makes you stronger.
This is something, I teach to my girls. They are quick to say that things are not fair and that person should not have done that to me. The reality is, they might be right. The person quite possibly could have done or said something to them that was unfair or even mean. People have that right. It is your right , not associate with that person. My main questions to them are always, "Is what that person said about you true? No? Then why are you getting upset about it?" There have been many times, I have had to ask myself those exact questions. The answer is usually, I am upset because I believed the lie that someone told me long ago..about me being fat, not pretty or smart enough, not good enough or that no one would ever love me. Believing that lie caused me to allow people to treat me any kind of way, because I did not think I deserved better.
I am glad I am speaking my truth now. Daily debunking the lies that are deeply sewn into the fabric of my being, is painful. Most days, I don't get it right or I say something hurtful to someone else. When that happens they immediately let me know that I have offended them or was out of pocket. I learn from constructive criticism and being corrected in love. I want to be better, because I truly believe you should treat people the way you want to be treated. I am learning how to be comfortable with me...flaws and all. At the end of the day, we all just want to be loved.
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