I am 4 days into a 90day mental reset challenge. In Jan 2024, my ex fiancée passed away and on Feb 17, 2024 he was laid to rest. Our relationship ended badly due to alcohol and lies. After I ended it, I felt lost. I didn't understand why it seemed like God was allowing others to get their life partner and I kept accepting alcoholics and cheaters. It was then that I was like, the common denominator is me. I took all the advice from friends and therapists into consideration and decided to take a step back from dating and just work on me. So, I bought some devotional books and this workbook that focuses on building self esteem through self care.
This was the quote that was in my devotion today. It hit me harder than other things I have read because it is true. I can be my worst critic. When I was younger my mom was very critical of how I looked, things I did and ideas or plans that I had. It was always a negative thing, because she had a plan for me to stay in Detroit and take care of her. I now understand that was what she groomed me for. But, her doing that only made me more determined to get my things in order and move out of the house.
It also made me develop this thick skin with a lot of walls, where if you don't know anything about me or if I don't let you close to me you cannot hurt me. This, I am learning, is not conducive to long lasting relationships. Every relationship requires a level of vulnerability, which I am working on.
I was always the person that is going to say the negative thing about me, before you say it. I did it so much it became the way I always speak about myself. Here I am looking for someone who will love me for who I am, uplift me and support my hopes and dreams. But, the way I spoke about myself was what I can't do and who I am not and what I am unable to achieve. If I am talking that wat about myself, how can I expect for the person that wants to be with me to treat me any better than I treat myself. I haven't ever had anybody ever fight for me, stand up for me, pour into me, support my dreams or love me more than I love myself so I started not expecting it. Because of that, I ended up in relationships where I wasn't even receiving the bare minimum level of respect.
2024 is my year to reclaim myself and return to me. A peculiar people chosen by God to do his works and serve his people. I am redeemed and ridiculous.
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